I feel like a zombie.


Maybe I'm like the walking dead--which is such an apt description for myself right now. Still, as a zombie, I'd rather remain passive and accept my lack of humanity. After which, I'd proceed to eat people. Somewhere, there's a metaphor for conforming to society there, but in this case, maybe I'm not using that metaphor.

I haven't been following my doctor's orders. As a result, I am left cold. I can't do anything. I've willed myself to finish a couple of things, but there are a lot of mistakes, there is a lack of heart and dedication. I am a zombie trying to do human things. This does not really scare me. It just reveals what I am in default mode.

Oh, well.

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I have to cram every current event since last year by tonight. Why? Well, for my Speech 136 class, Forms of Public Address, our finals are tomorrow. We'll be delivering impromptu speeches on current events--which shouldn't be so hard. I haven't been living under a rock, but I don't have complete access to media. My brother and I don't have a TV in our unit and we just spend time on academics right after class. So when we go home, our brains are fried. We occasionally watch the news, though. And I have an RSS feed of CNN's breaking news. Wanna know a secret? One of twenty times, I'd only read the headlines and not the content.

This somehow reflects my condition. I don't really care. I can't sympathize or empathize or satirize or criticize. I feel nothing--maybe except guilt, when it comes to how people are being treated all over the world. There's mild curiosity, when I read about the Middle East. There's interest, when I get to know how the US elections are going. As for Philippine current events, I would know zilch. I have a very vague idea on our Chief Justice's impeachment trial. I have a very vague idea about the death of Cong. Iggy Arroyo and its implications.

Maybe if I get a topic I don't know, I might just deliver a speech on Cultivation Theory: the media tells us not what to think, but what to think about. At least I know my Communication Theories.

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I thought that I would be a man today.

I'm pretty sure you know David Hwang's M. Butterfly. Oh. You don't? Well, it's interesting. It's inspired by a true story of a French diplomat who falls in love with a Chinese actor whom he believes to be a woman. They have a relationship for 20 years, until Frenchie finds out that Chinese guy is a Communist spy in reality. Imprisonment and humiliation ensue.

Hwang provides parallels in his play to Giacomo Puccini's Madame Butterfly, which, as you know, is one of the most famous operas. It really is quite interesting. It reveals cultural misconceptions and gender misconceptions. It questions fantasy and illusion as love--making you believe what you want to believe; making you blind to what you don't want to see.

On Thursday, I'll be playing Gallimard (Frenchie) with a partner. We'll be depicting Act I, Scene 13, where Gallimard thinks that he completely dominates Song (Chinese actor) by making him answer, "Are you my Butterfly?"

Riveting. One of the best plays I've read but haven't seen. I also have to read David Mamet's Glengarry Glenn Ross.

There is something wrong with me.

Thanks to Aristotle or the Greeks of antiquity, in general, you rely on reason or logic to get to that root cause. If you want to go all Aquinian (and essentially Aristotelian) about it, one cannot trace a cause ad infinitum. There must be a first cause. And because we are human and are assumed to be rational, the physiological cause is the way to go and absolutely trumps 'less substantial' yet possible causes. What if you find out that it's not physiological at all, then? 

If you're from a Christian family like I am, then what follows is that it should be spiritual. I don't mean to be condescending about it. Sometimes, it just is assumed that your condition is immediately a manifestation of the spiritual aspect. What if it's not? I would expect people to ask, "Are you sure that it's not? Have you explored every possible [I would call this 'spiritual' or 'Christian'] option? Trust me, dearie. I have. Let me give you my Christian activity resume which includes, for your pleasure, the number of times I've prayed, prayed and fasted, read the Bible, memorized Scripture, realized the promises of Philippians 1:6, experience God and the Holy Spirit, and so on and so forth. 

So that sounded bitter. Talk about the lack of aesthetic distance. Maybe it's because people keep forcing it on you. I remember a scene from the movie 'Saved!', starring Jena Malone, Mandy Moore, Eva Amurri, Macaulay Culkin, and Patrick Fugit. Jena's character (JC) says, "The bible is not a weapon!" to Mandy's character (MC) after MC literally hits JC with a bible.
[Well, what is "it", exactly? Christianity]

What's left? The psychological and affective/emotional alternatives, which I will be legitimately tested on two days from now.


You know what Christianity has reduced me to? I question whether what I'm going through is 'real' or not. I question whether what I'm feeling (or the lack of it) is valid. I question the very nature of my condition. I am left confused and disillusioned. What's more important is that I seem to have lost my capacity for feeling. I cannot distinguish what I am feeling at every particular moment (there's humor, irritation, very mild anger, and sensory experience). I question my own intellectual capacity. The one thing that's more bothersome is that I seem to have lost my identity.

Christianity has become a big part of me. Let me quote the late Ray Charles, who was talking about music. I'll replace the word music with Christianity. "[Christianity] was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood...It was a necessity for me, like food or water." What if it gets displaced, lost, or worse yet, dissolved little by little? What is left of me, then? 

My mother keeps telling me to count my blessings. What does it even mean? The very act seems like an abstraction? If counting my blessings means to compare myself with the less fortunate, well I would have to say that I do it occasionally. I question my condition. I tell myself that what I am going through is nothing compared to those in war-torn countries or those starving. Then this isn't supposed to be a big deal. But the thing is that my condition has been affecting not only myself, but other people as well. I still think it's not 'legitimately' a problem. 

If she means to say 'count my blessings' in a Christian sense, then okay. I have my family. I have comfortable places to stay. UP. 
What's next? Like I said, I've lost my identity. I'm not quite interested in what makes me 'me' anymore--and we're not just talking about Christianity here. I'm talking about my passions. 

This frustrates me. I still cannot write a treatise or a proper essay. I need aesthetic distance. 

--

How do you deliberately or inadvertently hurt someone else?

There's being honest. For instance, a male telling a female that she looks hideous with her haircut or clothes. In my case, it's being honest with what I'm going through. Sometimes, I just consciously tell myself to stay silent instead of blurting out what I really think (but it has another factor: the other person asking more questions).

You also hurt someone else by finding that weak sport and poking, then twisting a knife into it. 

There are questions that should be left unanswered.
Anselm, Augustine, Aquinas, and the Christian world hold this belief--not this per se, but the norm that the concept of God is wholly unfathomable and will remain to be until you are not in your physical body.

Let me tell you a bit about myself before I get on with this. I grew up in a Christian family that subscribes to the Evangelical Christian faith. The Evangelical Christians are otherwise known as 'Bible-believing Christians' or the more common term, 'born-again Christians'. The mystery of the Trinity is believed in, which follows that the divinity of Christ is also believed in. It was instilled in us that God loves everyone, even the Old Testament God; and that Jesus Christ epitomized His very love starting from the New Testament until the present day. You had to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior to be 'saved'--that means that there is a heaven and a hell, a destination based on that one decision regarding Christ (through faith, and not by works). 
I live in a country where Roman Catholicism is the religion. Based on my understanding of Catholic teaching and reading about the Reformation, the Trinity is also key, yet works and faith are an emphasis. 
So really, in an environment like this, the possibility that God does not exist will not be questioned.

What I've noticed is that Roman Catholicism or Evangelical Christianity seems to evade, if not allow, a questioning of core beliefs. Richard Dawkins, in his book 'The God Delusion' posits that religion in general holds such a high place in society that mere curiosity or extreme challenging is seen as offensive. Dawkins asks why religion holds such a place in society and contrasts religious belief with political ideology, which, as everyone knows, can be refuted from any angle. 
Whereas science, law, or discourse and debate requires solid proof and evidence, Judeo-Christian beliefs ask for a different standard--which Augustine succinctly calls "faith which leads to understanding". One has to remove any traces or rationality and trust that the Judeo-Christian God hears and sees you.

I've recently been going through a rough patch in life, which I believe is an understatement. I've also been asking a lot of questions which the Bible cannot answer or faith cannot answer. If God is seen (or more importantly, surrendering your life to Christ) as the solution and the only one at that, what if that posited solution does not work? Like all religions, one core belief is seen as the Truth and the Only Truth. 

I feel trapped and frustrated by the Judeo-Christian God. I know the difference between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant. In the Old Covenant, I could call God the 'smiting God of old', vengeful, wrathful, and jealous. In the New Covenant, Jesus Christ was the very symbol of merciful and unconditional love. I feel as if one cannot fully escape from Him. My dilemma with Medieval philosophers (especially Aquinas) is that faith cannot totally be removed from their philosophy or theory.

I believe in God, and I think that because of years of reinforcement and because I am no scientist or empiricist, that cannot be totally removed from my psyche. I just think that questioning should be allowed. People should have the right to traverse their own journey. If they say God is really loving as they believe him to be, then people who, as some may say, "strayed from the path" should be able to be found by this God. 

I remember an instance when one person whom I was talking to said that there is no reason not to believe in God (apparently, that person subscribes to the belief of Anselm that knowledge of God is self-evident). She asked, "Just because they came into UP (or university), they suddenly question the existence of God." My take on this is why not? Why not question his existence and his motives? Why not see if knowledge of God is truly unfathomable? Why is it so wrong?

Having been quite malcontent with Christianity for some time, members of family began to wonder.

• I was brought to church with them and my mother, a staunch believer in Evangelical Christianity, kept looking at me for every reaction towards the sermon. Apparently, she became very worried after that. Unlike them, I did not raise my hands up high during 'worship' (songs to praise or worship God), nor did I seem to agree to what the pastor was saying. 
• My father, who noticed that I have been having a difficult time, believes that I have been doing so because I haven't been reading the Bible nor praying. He asked me to read Psalm 139.
• My brother and I were watching a singing show last night. There was a potential contestant who seemed like a nice guy. He was pleasant and seemed quite happy. We watched as the contestant said that his father was a famous pastor and wanted to be 'someone', as well but in a different path. My brother pointed out that, "He's a really nice guy, right?" And I answered, out of curiosity, not offense, "Because he's a Christian?" And suddenly he rants for two minutes. I got his feathers ruffled. He talked to my mother about it and said, "Why can't she just respect other people's beliefs?"